My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
