After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
