In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
