He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
