So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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