I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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