Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
