I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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