drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
