I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
