why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
