He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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