That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
