Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
