i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
