I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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