I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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