so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
