my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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