um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
