I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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