On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
