Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
