Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
