and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
