yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
