i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
