i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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