if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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