remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
