is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
