theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
