I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
