ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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