Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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