Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
