she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
