I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Pappa wants mamma naked
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
