just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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