My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
