Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
