I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
