my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
