textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
