My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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