i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
