How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
