made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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