my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
