last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
